a sea of trust

Trust me, I try. 

Trusting

Rajapur 2009

on hiding

Let me hide behind these pictures

'till i am ready 

to face you

On the way to Dhorpatan, May 2012

first day of a new year

1. an hour of yoga: i have had almost 20 hours of yoga classes since January so there is no excuse to not do it now
2. breakfast date: newly married and not spending new years with the sparrow but he promised a date first thing in the morning
3. my sister: i will have lunch with my sister today and we will vent and laugh! 
4. picture: my best friend of over 16 years still surprises me, she wants me to take picture of a stray dog she feeds every day and wants adopted
5. read: i have been on the same book for almost two months now. time to move on. finish at least 10 pages everyday and find a new book
6. work: it has been good so far and i will dedicate at least few hours working towards a deadline 
7. chores: i have been putting off doing odd jobs around the house for my mom. time for some vacuuming and picking up stuffs from the floor.
8. dinner: i want to make dinner for my mom and dad, sister and brother
9. water: health has been pretty off lately. i will drink three bottles of water in between crossing things off this list
10. write about my first day of the year

a long overdue conversation

a family dinner with my brother and mom. i didn't know that my brother was thinking of taking off on a new tangent and my mom had gotten herself a full medical check up while I sit on the sidelines too busy to talk to them.

Resting regrets

Regret. I walk around with it. Regret. It dangles in my neck heavy and hidden. Not being able to see my aunt two years ago as she was preparing to leave this world, not being able to take that simple three plus one hour flight to see her that fateful June has stayed with me for ever. She told me over the phone in one of very few and rare calls when I got to talk to her that she was going to come back when she got better. Things are ok she said and she told me to take care of my family. I went inside this cocoon of belief that she was going to get better as I thought if anyone deserved miracle it was her. She did get better in a way. She left us sooner than expected.

Last ten days, I have tried meeting her somewhere, expecting to bump into her scattered soul in the city she spent her last days breathing and living. I floated on the river where she was laid to rest hoping that she stays with me as long as I live. I introduced her to the good man that she never had a chance to meet. I walked the same streets that she walked. I laughed the same laugh that you laughed.

This is where I lay my regrets to rest.

Television is our background music

I am currently obsessed with television. Well, currently is incorrect. I have always been a little obsessed with watching TV, even back them when we didn't own one. Whenever I went to mamaghar, I would beg my mama to let us watch "variety, variety" a show that showed a lot of chataks and people throwing things in the wind and catching them. My cousins and I would stare at it for hours till the test transmission time for the then newly started Nepal Television ended. I would stare at Rama Singh delivering the five minute news and Durga Nath Sharma telling us about what happened in the world last week in Bishwa Ghatana. Television was simple, uncomplicated and not so hight on news and drama back then.

My fondest memory of television is watching Door Darshan which was really a door type affair with one of my many cousins having to go fix the antenna on the top of our not so tall house at least two times during any given show. I loved the Ramayan on Sunday Morning, afternoon movie on Saturdays and Tipu Sultan at night. I used to count all the advertisements that aired before the show started. Once I counted eighty-five advertisements of fairness cream, soap, shampoo, refrigerator, vico turmeric, lizzat papad and onida tv before Tipu Sultan graced our screens. Thought I watch it with my sleepy eyes well into the night,  I loved every minute of Sanjay Khan playing Tipu even though I have forgotten what the story is all about now and am too lazy to google.

My not so fond memories of television was not getting to watch Barbapapa, the nice little cartoon character who had a wife Barbamama and so many children in shapeless forms. My brother and I would finish our homeworks as soon as we came back from school so that we could watch Barbapapa but the TV was in my thulobuwa  (dad's brother)'s room. Hhis three incredibly scheming and talented children who would always find a reason to close the door to the room when the show was on. I remember begging them to let us watch (literally begging them) Barbapapa. They would shoo us away most of the time saying they were busy or they lost the remote control or the TV signals were not too good or just plain ignore our plee. We would be heartbroken and cry ourselves to sleep at times. Well, that's the perk of living in a joint family. You learn the meaning of being disappointed pretty early in life, years before you will be able to find the world in the dictionary.

When I was probably ten or eleven, dad got us our very own TV. It was nothing as grand as the one owned by my cousins in the next room but it was a TV with a VCR so we got to watch movies as well. Dad would have sole possession of the remote control but we finally got to watch our Barbapapa and the bal karyakram and proudly go to school next day and discuss the episode with our friends.

Then, Dad got all territorial with his television as we started wanting to be in control of the remote control sometimes when we wanted to watch Sunday pop, back then the coolest show on TV which showed music video and a brash looking young man hosted the show with his khoi k k accent. Dad's obsession with news did make me like BBC and CNN for life.

Few years later, the cousins moved out of the house with their TV but it coincided with advent of new hindi TV channels, mostly Indian, drowning the glory of Door Darshan and Nepal TV. Mom and dad took turn watching news and catching up on all the television serials. The peace between the ever growing all day news channels and daily soaps took a toll in our home and we had to get another television soon.

I bought a TV few years back for mom. She now watches her hindi dramas in my room, which also gave us the chance to watch angreji shows like The X Files, Friends, and movies on HBO without dad telling us that important things were happening around the world.  Dad continues to surf channel for latest news from around the world and also simultaneously has Radio Nepal and some FM station on so that he doesn't miss any news.

Television is where mom and I have our deepest conversation most of the time. I shamelessly watch all her Hindi serials, probably know names of characters, and also can predict what is going to happen in the next show. Sometimes mom calls me up and tells me that the plot unfolded exactly like the way I told her it would. I smile. We talk about relationship and draw reference to real life with the stories and characters getting tangled and untangled at various time slots on TV. We watch reality shows together and pick our favorite to win. We mostly never make it to the end of those shows but we drink tea, arrange stuffs around the room, make bed, work, iron, talk on phone with the TV on. With the loadshedding schedule denting our TV time, I have introduced mom to TV on youtube so whenever she misses a crucial episode I load it on my computer.

I do not own a TV, with my current living arrangement with the Sparrow. This is the first time in a very  long time in my life that I am without TV. I miss watching Dance India Dance and this Star Plus's show  but You Tube jindabad. I get to watch these shows few days later online and it's a perfect arrangement for now. I can pick and choose my time to watch them albeit a bad news for my Manga loving partner.

Guess what Sparrow said last week - "We might need more bandwidth on our internet hai ? With you watching so much 'multimedia content'" 

All the world's a ...

Last weekend was all about two bartamans, two weddings and a janku. We navigated through the complicated traffic jams of Kathmandu mixed with the never ending fuel crisis yet we managed to show up at the celebrations we were invited to be part of. In my new family, there is no negotiation or compromise when it comes to attending bhoj. If you are invited, you go. You do not argue that you just came back from work and you are tired. You do not argue that you just went to a bhoj yesterday. You do not argue that you cannot possibly go to three bhoj on the same night. You just do you best and show up at all the parties are invited to. 

Both sparrow and I try to support each other through the wedding/bartaman/gufa/janku/etc invites. Most of the time both of have no idea who is hosting the party. We go there and smile our big teethy smile, do our usual namastes, dhogs, and eat and bolt. 

Then there is this big deal about what do you gift at these bhoj type affairs where the invites now say 'do not bother to bring gifts' which means gift 'me' money. Next step is the argument over how much is the right amount to gift?

As newly weds, both sparrow and I give a lot of nervous smiles to people as we are introduced to each other's families. We meet at least a dozen new people at these bhoj and we barely remember their names or the relationship. It might take us at least a decade to understand who is who is each other's family but both of us so far have great amount of spirit to hold each other's hand and wade through these bhoj. 

Every time I walk/ride through a street, there seem to be more places for people to party. From Kupondole to my home, there are at least five famous party venues and more are mushrooming around town.  Right now the wedding season is in full swing so every  party palace seem to have a job. Every Nepali who lives in Kathmandu seem to have a cause to celebrate, a party to throw. The rise in food prices or fuel shortage do not seem to dent the enthusiasm of the party throwers or the party goers. Everyone complains how expensive things have become in Kathmandu yet there seem to be able to afford the best of wine and beer. 

All the world's a party palace (in Kathmandu) 

and all men and women merely party goers...